buzzkill

i feel like im transparent. that jumping up and down on the street screaming "unitard" could not actually gain me any attention at all. i am shouting silence. boredom. but at the same time i feel that everything about me is entirely obvious, as if... if someone were to notice me theyd automatically know everything there was to know about me. the duplicity of transparency, i guess. hazardous.

but then something happens. i wait until my existance is acknowledged in some way; a mere glimpse of a smile in the grand scheme of things. my glimpse. its worthless, but i realize that way too late. again. i dont know what it is i expect from you.. or i do, but im not sure why i expect it. because i think you know yet choose to ignore it. i wish i could ignore it. and that is all.

what i wrote in my phone's notepad while intoxicated on the walk home tonight (in reverse order):
1. my nob came off
2. fan in hell joke
3. hope some will save me
4. feel so good in the strangest of places
5. go ahead
6. also.. you deserve this
7. should have gone home after work
8. love me tender as a command